Let me say one thing upfront: I'm the least likely wheeler to write a guide on cycling in Amsterdam.
For one, I've only lived here for 10 months.
Worse, for most of my adult life, I refused to cycle.
Rewind 11 years and you'll see me mid-meltdown between the city centre of Montpellier and the sea – all because my sweetheart suggested we rent a bike instead of relying on the undecipherable, weathered French bus schedule.
On the other hand, I now live next to a cycle path where a dude on a unicycle zooms past every morning on his way to work.
So, if you plan to cycle in Amsterdam – read on.
If you plan to use a scooter, fatbike, skateboard or roller skates on the cycle paths here – read on.
If you plan to walk around in Amsterdam, occasionally cross the street and survive to see another day: read on.
Because I may not be your typical "born on a bicycle" Dutch tourist guide, but I've struggled in the arena. I've fought valiantly. Decoded the chaos. And live to tell the tale.
1) Cyclists are at the top of the food chain.
Always remember the rule of thumb: The customer cyclist is always right.
Hit a cyclist with your scooter? Your fault.
Got hit by a cyclist as you were crossing the road? Definitely your fault.
2) Cyclists don't wear helmets because they're god-like creatures.
Wear a helmet and people will know you're a tourist.
It's simple logic: You wear a helmet because you don't trust your cycling skills. You don't trust your cycling skills because you're inexperienced on a bike. Your inexperience on a bike means you can't be a local.
Because you're inexperienced and unlikely to know where you're going, people will give you a wide berth.
Which is one of the reasons I usually do wear a (cute skateboard style) helmet.
The other two:
I like to cycle fast. As in, 30 km/h fast.
I once witnessed a cyclist getting hit by a car. Unsurprisingly, the cyclist was right: The car had ignored a red traffic light. Surprisingly, the cyclist fell directly on the back of her head – without a helmet – and got away with only a concussion. But I will forever remember that skull-meets-street sound.
3) Pedestrians make cycling in Amsterdam dangerous.
They cross the road wherever, whenever. They wander aimlessly in busy places. They block the road with their selfie sticks and big shopping bags.
The second most dangerous thing? Uneven surfaces and loose bricks in the cycle path.
4) Whatever you do, keep it moving.
The number 1 mistake I see people make when visiting Amsterdam is this:
Waiting for cyclists to stop and let them pass at a zebra crossing.
Unless there's also a traffic light, this is never going to happen.
Likewise, when cycling here, do not stop just because a bunch of people are looking at you expectantly. You'll only cause a mass accident or exasperated shouting as other cyclists are forced to surrender and suddenly stop behind you.
Instead, slow down and carefully continue your ride, choosing a route around people as they cross the road.
If you're the one travelling on foot: Take a decisive step onto the zebra crossing. Be predictable. Be amazed at how traffic flows around you.
Which takes me to my next point:
5) Body language is everything.
The only thing worse than a pedestrian waiting for cyclists to stop is a pedestrian who’s unsure what to do.
They lift their foot and lean forward as if starting to walk and pull back on sight of the bike approaching.
Or they're already in the middle of the road – and get stuck in their decision making process: go back or move forward on their plan to reach the other side? So they freeze in place, making it impossible to safely avoid them.
The only option in this case is bringing the bicycle to a full stop – the cardinal sin of cycling in Amsterdam.
So, whatever you do, do it. Whether you're a Nike disciple or Padawan Jedi, just go. Or go not.
6) Rush hour in Amsterdam is not the right time for your kiddo to learn cycling without stabilisers.
For reference, rush hour is from 8am to 10am and 4pm to 6pm.
7) To fit right in, buy a grand piano
Or a fridge. Or a mattress. Or just another bike. Transport it home on your bike.
8) Bonus tip for pretending you're local: Cycle next to your friend on a ratty old bike and gossip
No need to actually talk to each other. Just block the entire cycle path and refuse to make space for anyone trying to overtake. If you've followed my advice and skipped the helmets, people will assume you're Dutch.
9) Don't want your e-bike to get stolen? Choose a VanMoof.
Van Moofs used to be safe because of their loud alarms and Sherlock-style detective teams who'd find and return stolen bikes to their rightful owners.
Nowadays, thieves know that VanMoofs are
a) unreliable,
b) out of date and
c) almost impossible to repair because the company went bankrupt and spare parts are super rare.
These bikes are simply not worth the trouble anymore.
10) Whatever you do, "pretend it's a city"
To misquote the inimitable Fran Lebowitz in Pretend It's a City:
Cycling in Amsterdam is a mode of transport. That's how I get around. I cycle everywhere. So, when I'm cycling, I'm not, like, strolling, I'm not exercising. I'm getting somewhere and of course, because it's Amsterdam, I'm late!
... and enjoy Amsterdam, it's so gezellig!